Choosing A Couch Sniper's Hide: Important Considerations for the Most Important Purchase of Your Life

Any sniper relies on their "hide" or sniper hole to keep them safely protected from the watchful eyes of the enemy. The hide is their resting spot, their tactical response location, and the one place they spend their time to engage a target before moving on to the next high profile kill. In the field, it's highly important to find a spot that allows the shooter to survey the field from a wide range of angles and take in the largest amount of space. It has to allow the shooter to be close enough to the enemy to make the shot while keeping them far enough away from patrols that they can make a hasty escape when the going gets rough.

As a couch sniper, choosing the "hide" is even MORE important. It must be firm, yet pliable. It must support without causing pressure points. It must be fluffy enough to absorb an entire days worth of stress and still strong enough to provide strength when emotions run deep. When a couch sniper falls ill, the hide may be inhabited for days. If a couch sniper finds him/herself unemployed, it may be the only piece of furniture to see action for a much longer period of time. Truly, selecting a quality couch may be the most important purchase you ever make.

An experienced couch sniper, I have experienced MANY couches. There were tacky, old, western themed numbers with wooden frames and horse pattern plush velvet cushions. The cushions were always separate pieces and comfort could only be obtained by getting the top to ride properly on the bottom cushion which always seemed to have a need to be pushed slightly forward in order to obtain the proper geometry to support my lanky frame in that perfect way that invites sleep, but volunteers itself for hours of intelligence gathering operations involving a television and bag of chips. There were antique-ish, hide-a-bed numbers that were always FAR too firm to ever find comfort. There have been countless leather models that always seem to be a good idea until a hot afternoon and pair of shorts quickly remind the user that skin on skin is only fun during sex. A startling jolt feels as if it has removed layers of hide as one leaps from the comforting leather only to find that the leather + heat + shorts = really bad idea.

There were the early years of couch sniper freedom when I had finally escaped the confines of my parent's house. I quickly commandeered a futon, no stranger to the necessity of a couch. It served me well, although completely uncomfortable for a guy of 6'2". The stiff fabric resisted sheets making it useless as a bed, and the rough form and odd dimensions made it useless as a couch. Truly, a futon should only be embraced as a stepping stone to a real couch sniper's hide.

Once I was married and embracing life in a partnership, it became apparent that we needed to select a proper sofa. We embarked on the most miserable of all recon missions, searching every available channel for the perfect spot to rest our weary asses. In Las Vegas, we quickly found that there are approximately 2.4 million wannabe furniture stores that all proclaim to offer the very best wares. We searched high and low until the enemies exhaustion and apathy began to take their toll. Finally, we found that the JC Penney home store offered some extraordinary sofas. We sat in everyone they had when finally we came upon the gem that has since become my only resting place. It's plush and pillowy microfiber suede welcomed my hands to touch it. The fluff it offered hugged every part of my body that it touched. Not too hard, not too soft, yet the under-frame was sturdy and easily supports my rifle. A few thousand bags of chips and four moves later, it's still my preferred couch sniping post.

The moral is, that whether you are in the field in deep cover trying to scope a high-profile target, or in your living room, remote in one hand, pistol in the other working on your couch-sniping form with dry-fire exercises, finding your hide is what will keep you safe for years to come. Take the time to make the right choices...

Oh yeah... and happy APRIL FOOLS DAY. The couch sniper is still relocating. We'll return to our regularly scheduled posts shortly.